new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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