my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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