Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
