Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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