So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
