dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
