did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
