weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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