I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
