I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
