Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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