she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
