Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
