Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
