Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
