My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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