Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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