what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have grass duct taped all over my body
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
