Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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