i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
