Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
