She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
