Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
