I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
