I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
