no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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