My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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