you have to choose: penises or morals?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
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Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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