Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
