peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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