i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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