You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
