I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
