it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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