And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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