So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
