So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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