did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
