dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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