Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
