Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
