My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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