i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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