I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
