i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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