I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
