I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
