Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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