I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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