He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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