am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
