Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
