I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dick very happy bro
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
