Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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