sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
