new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Mom said you looked used
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
