So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
