this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Bring me that man meat
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
