Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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