omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
