I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
