Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
