he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
