When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
