Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
