I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
