I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
